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Star Wars: 1313 is going to be amazing!

8:56 AM: I’m back for more. More importantly, I’m not hungover in the least. We’ve got Nintendo’s press conference coming up in about five minutes. As much as I would love to see Nintendo fall flat on its face right now, because that is hilarious to me, I actually hope they have something awesome for us. Competition is only going to benefit the gamers. Right now, unfortunately, the Wii U doesn’t look like much competition. Since it’s Nintendo’s proprietary baby, maybe we just need to have them actually show us how it works and what it’s truly capable of.

NINTENDO ALL ACCESS 2012

9:04 AM: So the bold new face of Nintendo is…Shigeru Miyamoto. Okay, I see how this is going to go.

9:08 AM: Let’s see what this new Pikmin game is all about. I was having a conversation with a friend last night, and we couldn’t remember if Pikmin was the last new IP Nintendo has launched and actually stuck with. If not, it’s sad that we couldn’t think of a newer one. If so, they just said they created Pikmin over 10 years ago. I don’t even know what to say.

9:10 AM: Totally honest here. Pikmin 3 looks pretty good. I like the sharp graphics, and it looks really fun. Miyamoto teased tossing a Pikmin doll into the crowd. Thankfully he didn’t, because enough virgin blood would have been spilled in the melee to raise an unholy, unspeakable evil.

9:14 AM: Reggie is explaining how the Wii U has YouTube, Hulu, and Amazon Video access. He’s also asking people to follow the Nintendo Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook channels to learn about the full capabilities of the Wii U. He says they don’t have enough time during this presentation. I…I don’t understand how people are cheering for this.

9:18 AM: Wii U will support dual gamepad play. The crowd goes nuts. Doesn’t the Wii U only ship with one gamepad? WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE CHEERING???

9:24 AM: I’m so confused about Mii-verse. It literally makes no sense. I guess it’s like Nintendo’s own version of Facebook/Twitter. They kept talking about how it lets you connect in new ways, without explaining why anyone would want to do it. And instead of clarifying why anyone should care, Reggie decides to distract everyone with New Super Mario Bros. U. Genius!

9:30 AM: Batman: Arkham City – Armored Edition looks nice, but the Wii U functionality seems tacked on. The one thing I can say that did look good is the inventory management through the gamepad. One of my only complaints about the game was that it was a pain in the ass to select the right gadget, when Batman is carrying like 19 things in his utility belt at once. And I guess it’s nice that Nintendo fans finally get to play such an awesome game.

9:35 AM: Wii Fit U. Is it too early to start drinking?

9:40 AM: At least they haven’t completely given up on the 3DS. What “new” game are they showing off? New Super Mario Bros. 2. I just…god my head hurts.

9:43 AM: So if you own a 3DS, you can look forward to a new New Super Mario Bros. game, a new Paper Mario game, and a new Luigi’s Mansion game. I’ll just let that soak in. I’m going to stop interjecting my personal feelings into this. It’s breaking my soul.

9:49 AM: Ubisoft, please help me out here.

9:55 AM: So, I know they have to show Just Dance stuff, because that shit is basically a license to print money for Ubisoft. But I was actually impressed with the ZombiU footage. That’s actually a cool application of the second screen, which is all I was asking for.

9:59 AM: Animal Crossing??? Don’t tease me like this, Nintendo. Don’t you fucking do it!

10:02 AM: Never mind. I don’t even want to see what they did to Animal Crossing. This Nintendo Land thing has totally lost me. It blows my mind just how much money has been spent just to get to what I’m watching right now.

10:10 AM: They’ve got about 20 minutes left, so I’m anticipating either a new Super Mario or Zelda game. They have to announce something huge, right? Right??

10:12 AM: Wait, what? That’s it? No Mario? No Zelda? No Metroid? Not even fucking Kid Icarus? They close with more Nintendo Land footage? I…WHAT? SERIOUSLY? Dude, I’m so confused.

10:15 AM: The Spike TV panel is talking shit. Even the Kotaku fanboy was disappointed. Look, when Peter Molyneux is looking at you going “What the fuck was that?” you might have a problem.

10:26 AM: The bottom line is that Nintendo really didn’t take the time to show off not only what the Wii U can do, but why we should want to buy one. The hardcore fans will obviously be there, but this didn’t do anything to sway people like myself – former Nintendo fans who grew dissatisfied with the company’s direction and moved on – to come back to the fold. They spent an inordinate amount of time showcasing Nintendo Land, which is apparently just an online version of Mario Party minigames. Not only that, but they ended the fucking show with it! With this lame, fake Nintendo Land fireworks show. I’m seriously blown away by how underwhelming that was. I believe the Wii U can be amazing. I believe that it can do things that the other consoles can’t. But Nintendo decided instead to play it super safe and stick with shit like another New Super Mario Bros. game and a Luigi’s Mansion game. I know the Nintendo fanboys will claim this was a huge win for Nintendo, but objective-minded individuals can’t see this as anything other than a huge disappointment. FUCKING FIREWORKS.

10:32 AM: Reggie is saying we’re about to see a new Wii U title from Platinum Games. That, I’m actually excited for. Why this wasn’t in the press conference? I guess we needed more time for Nintendo Land.

10:33 AM: Reggie is now trying to say that the Wii U version of Arkham City is a new experience with new content. Geoff Keighley calls him on his shit like a boss. Reggie sticks with his guns. I understand Nintendo fans so much more after this exchange.

10:55 AM: The new Platinum Games Wii U title from the creators of Okami, Project P 100,  looks way more interesting than pretty much everything in the Nintendo presser. Again, my mind is blown by what’s happened this morning.

11:04 AM: Scribblenauts! Again, another Wii U game that’s way more fascinating than Luigi’s Mansion. It’s also perfectly showcasing how the Wii U Gamepad seamlessly integrates into the gameplay. I’m so confused as to why all of this was left out of the press conference.

11:12 AM: I’m not sold on Elder Scrolls Online. I think we’ve seen just how hard it is for a new MMORPG to wedge themselves into the market. It looks cool enough, but so did SWtOR and Rift, and look at how they’re doing now. Decent, sure, but definitely not the WoW-killers they were purported to be.

11:22 AM: I’m tuning out Peter Molyneux talking about Fable: The Journey. Sorry, I can’t do this.

11:36 AM: Now that all the major press conferences are over, these updates are probably going to slow down a little bit. As developers show off hands-on demos of their upcoming titles, I’ll try to chime in with the noteworthy. I need a touch of a breather anyway. Nintendo didn’t break my spirit, but they sure tried their damnedest.

12:03 PM: While I’m waiting for something noteworthy to come along, check this out. I’m still worried about the license, but that is one of the prettiest damn games we’ve seen at E3. It’s one of the few times when the developer swears they were showing off  in-engine gameplay, not a cutscene, and I was staring at it going “no way”. I really thought they were lying. That’s how amazing this game looks.

3:06 PM: That was an awesome nap. I woke up just in time to catch some Aliens: Colonial Marines gameplay. The fact that it’s fully licensed and backed by 20th Century and is the cannon sequel to the first two films actually has me wanting to play it. I’m still pretty wary of officially licensed games, having just trudged through Game of Thrones, but this looks pretty good.

I’m trying not to doze off again, but I think I’ve hit E3 overload at this point. I’ll try to hold out for the Skyrim: Dawnguard footage, at least.

3:17 PM: That didn’t take long. I can’t lie, I got sort of bored with Skyrim and never went back to it after about 30 hours. Dawnguard is definitely going to get me to jump back into the world of Tamriel. Not only can you become a vampire hunter, but you also have the option to become a powerful vampire lord. The vampire lord can fly, teleport in a swarm of bats, and steal NPC souls to make them your undead minions. Fuck. Yes. They’re looking at bringing the PC’s recent addition of mounted combat. I believe I also heard something about armored troll companions. The bottom line is that this is going to be absolutely huge. Todd Howard promises approximately 20 hours of new gameplay, hopefully dropping on June 26th for $20.

3:25 PM: Oh! I forgot to mention that they’re also adding a dedicated werewolf skill tree. A lot of gamers, myself included, quickly grew bored with being a werewolf. The problem was that the abilities didn’t level up with your character, and transforming into a werewolf quickly became more of a hindrance than a benefit. With the new skill tree, you can finally make your werewolf form as formidable as your human (or Khajiit, in my case) form.

4:42 PM: YO DAWG. I HEARD XZIBIT JUST SHOWED UP ON G4 FOR SOME REASON.

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